All of last week I wasn’t feeling myself due to the loss of
a family member. I didn’t think it would hit me as hard, I had a lot on my
mind. On Orange Shirt Day after school, we did the Kairos Blanket Exercise for
a little group of people; I was okay with that. I hadn’t felt like going, I
almost changed my mind last minute, but I felt the need to go. Every time is
different, and this one was emotional for me; I didn’t expect that. I’m not a
person to open up about my personal problems, I keep to myself a lot, but since
the talking circle was small I felt comfortable about opening up about my loss.
It was hard. I said things that were hurting my heart.
As the week went by slowly it was time for my family to say
goodbye to our loved chapan, my kokum’s mom. We went back home to our reserve.
Every time I go back there, I feel depressed. When I go back home it’s usually
for a funeral. The reserve depresses me. I sat at the hall with my family; they
played some Cree hymns and some gospel music. The next day was the hardest for
me, I had to say my goodbyes; it was hard to see my family so sad. When it was
all over, I had this empty feeling. I tried to spend as much time as I could
with my family until it was time to leave back home to Fort Qu’Appelle. Those
two days were so tiring for me, I’m still tired.
On Tuesday of October 10, I woke up to something that made
me sad and I was already tired and emotionally drained. I didn’t want to do
anything with my day, wanted to sleep and not see anyone. I remembered our
class was going to Sacred Heart in Yorkton, so I got up to get ready for it. As
we arrived there, I saw my old teachers Linda and Kris; I was happy to see
them. I gave Linda a hug; I really needed one so I hugged her three times,
almost let out some tears. My day got a little better.
That day I didn’t want to facilitate the Blanket Exercise so
when I knew my classmates were going to, I was relieved. Watching them
facilitate it, I felt proud of them. Each time we do this, I realize something
new. The thing that stood out to me this time was “reserves” because I’ve been
there recently. I shared how isolated they’ve made reserves and how poorly the
people live. On my reserve there’s nothing really to do. I see most people rely
on drugs, alcohol and pills.
After lunch we went into a class room for a little talking
time with the teachers of Sacred Heart. We brought up the blog and talked about
our blog posts. When my essay “Climbing the Hill” popped up, I knew they would
want me to read it. I was shy, but I felt some courage because they cheered me
on a bit. I was like, “I got this.” As I read I felt proud of myself because of
the stuff I’m going through; I didn’t think I’d be able to do this. When I was
done reading I felt good about it. I’m happy I got my essay out there to them.
My old teachers Michelle and Linda said they were proud of me, so I feel like
I’m doing something right.
Now I’m here writing this, thinking about all the stuff I
just wrote down. The stuff I’m going through now in my life, I feel, is
preparing me for my “journey to knowledge” and is going to help me grow as a
person. I may still be sad but I know I can get through it because I’ve been
through more stuff and I’ve been strong enough to get out of it all.
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